Weighing my options (June 13th post)

This blog I dedicate to you, the reader. I hope that you can find something in this chapter of my life that will shine a light on an answer you have been asking for. I am going to share my second step in my recovery process. Lets jump in with both feet, here we go :)

I will open with the most perfect quote for this chapter of my life. "Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One." Elizabeth Gilbert

If that quote doesn't sum it up my story will. :)

You and I have heard time after time.. "You cannot love someone until you love yourself." When I hear this I want to roll my eyes in the back of my head and then respond with..  "I do love myself" or "Ha! Ive heard that before". The truth is I have heard this many times before but this time it actually stuck to me. I felt like I had been shot in the butt with cupids arrow of self love. I started thinking and being cautious of what I do during my day. I wanted to see how much I put myself down and build myself up. Here are a few things I am working on improving to achieve a higher self love.

These results blew me away.

Things I did to put my self down and what I did to change that.

Every time I walked past a mirror I would say something like "Oh my god, I NEED to put on MORE makeup" or "What was I thinking when I got ready today".

To fix this I decided to either..

A) let my little sister pick out my clothes for the day.. which drove me crazy because we are polar opposites. For example, She wears polka dots, rainbow stripes and two different socks. Very Lindsay but NOT my style. :)

OR

B) wear the first two things I picked out of my suitcase or boxes.. (I still havnt fully unpacked yet) Lately I have been wearing some crazy clothing choices to say the least. :) Very quickly I found it made me very uncomfortable and realized that I have a great sense of style and I found 100% more appreciation for dressing myself. 

That was easy, lets move on to the harder ones now.

Next I realized that I wonder what everyone thinks of me... constantly. I would wonder if they thought I was pretty, if I had good teeth, if my eyes are "weird" because they are 2 different colors and I even wondered what kind of a person they "pegged "me to be. All of this fear of what I thought other people were thinking was killing me. I had no self conifence to do anything or wear anything. I thought "what could be the worst thing that could happen" if I dressed up. Well this is what I did to find out.

I got all dressed up in some nice clothes, I did my hair and make up and went out.

Since this has happened 3 guys have asked me for my number, I have made a couple new friends and most important I found out a lot of people like to talk to me and even hang out with me! This blew my mind... Yes it is a very small town and I stood out, but either way I made an effort to put myself out there and my results were amazing. What it all boils down to is this, It didn't matter about how many heads turned or how many numbers I got. It mattered that I pushed myself to grab what I wanted  right by the horns and ride that bull. I found self confidence and It feels great. I still have my moments of self criticism and doubt but I realize it sooner and nip it in the but. Its good news that I can realize it now and its cool news that its not as often that I have negative self talk. The best thing I realized is... it is all about me choosing to be confident.

Self.. Confidence.. I finally get it!! haha

Now here comes the biggest monster, if you will. The one I have finally admitted and I am working on it every day and every hour. This is something that is almost acceptable in our society, no longer acceptable in MY LIFE.

I cant say I suffer from it because all in all I choose to let it in my life. I let it effect me and that was something I just realized. It has taken me years of hoping it would go away. It never left, I figured out that it wasn't going to leave. I had to choose something different. I wasn't being proactive for the right things, I was being proactive for all the wrong things. In this lesson I learned self love.

I have an eating disorder. One day soon I will be glad to say I no longer have an eating disorder.

When I think about food I would often feel as if I had to vomit. I would have to mentally prepare myself for the simple task of going to dinner. I would also not eat and then eat everything in sight and do my best to keep it down. After I would finally eat I would get mad at myself and say how much exercising

do I have to do. Or worse I would not eat or eat very little the next day. With in the past 3 weeks I have lost 15 pounds. That is a lot when you are 5 foot 7 and 118 pounds, I am now 103 pounds.

I thought that if I was skinny everything would get better, I was wrong it got worse. I started feeling sick and looking it too. I didnt have any energy and my lust for life was shedding with the pounds. I knew I had to make a change somewhere. So this is what I have been doing....EATING. I am still easing into it believe me. I still have a hard time eating and I figured out why.

My life felt like it was falling apart and the stress of it all was cracking down. I found a way to control my emotions. If I feel like I cant eat this is what I do. I step back and breath, I meditate, I tell myself that I am beautiful and then I figure out what is bugging me. Once I have figured out what is upsetting me I simply let it go. I take a deep breath in and let it go. If I have to cry scream or laugh I do until I am done. I have found out that once I do this I can eat.  I am taking my life in my own hands. I have been torturing and starving my self for years and it is time to stop. My first step in recovering was admitting it. My second step is to jump in with both feet. I am waist deep in this and soon it will all be over. In the next couple weeks I will be back to eating at least 3 times a day and having some healthy exercising. I have made a plan for the next couple months and I am two weeks ahead!!  I am so excited to have my life back!

What I have learned to have is SELF-love, SELF-confidence and SELF- worth.

We are all beautiful and deserve the best. YOU are beautiful YOU deserve the best! I am beautiful I deserve the best!

I have a challenge for you. Do something to take the first step in your journey, the one that you are looking for the "answer". You have all the answers... so do it!Isnt that amazing to find out? You have always had the answers, you and I just let self doubt cloud the vision.  Choose to see clearly. You can have the rainbow with out the rain, if you choose.You already know what I am talking about. JUST DO IT! Jump in with both feet. You will be surprised with what YOU can do.

Tonight I am taking my next step too :) Let us end day two with this perfect and very true quote.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”- Lao Tzu

I LOVE YOU! Have an amazing night, I will see you tomorrow. :)