Working on unconditional love for a change (June 12th post)

I dedicate my first post to the person who was there at the starting line cheering me on all the way through the end and far beyond the end. You were there when I needed you the most. You gave it your all and I respect you for that. He has taught me so many life lessons, I will do my best to share.  Here's to you babe. Thank you!
Cheers!


Recently one of my best friends, Margot Crandall told me of a book I should read. At the moment I did not feel stong enough to drive to the nearest town 60 miles away and purchase it, so I found the next best thing, the movie on netflicks. Eat Pray Love. This movie has expressed what I can not express for my self. It had the words I have been searching for and showed me a new way of going about my feelings.

Since my break up I have been restless, weary and naucious. I didnt know what to do with myself and I felt I had no one to turn to. I have to thank my mother and close friends, you are my saving grace. I feel as If I dont have the words to describe what I am going through. For the lack of words I have double the emotions. I kept telling myself be strong, dont cry, dont let these feelings control you.

After some long talks with my mother and step father I realized I was holding it all in saying I was going to be fine while I stare at my phone waiting for a change of heart. They advised me on what they thought was a simple step. They told me "cry, scream , break down! Its ok let it go, dont hold it in". For me this was not easy. I have always been one to hold on to my feelings. Since that night I have been going through my steps everyday. I cry and lay on the floor and break down. I think, meditate and even pray.  I was convinced if I didnt drink water I would stop crying. That wasnt the case.. I cryed for hours over my sadness and then I cryed even more out of fear.

Once all of my feelings passed I felt so much better. I still have waves of emotions but they are no longer tidal waves. So my advice to you, let it go. If being strong means you face the music, then do it! If you have to cry then open the flood  gates and cry!! Strong people do what is hard, crying is hard for me. I decided it is better to let go then to hold it in. When I hold in emotions it blocks any emotions coming in or going out. Happiness isnt as sweet as it could be.. and sadness seems forever long.

Every day It gets better and with time I am postive that I will look back at this and say "Wow, I made it!!" One thing I have been having a really hard time with is how I want him in my life. People say leave and dont turn back, others say keep him close. Honestly it is my life, I respect what you are telling me but I have to do what works for me. So I am going to. Of course I want him in my life. I decided I just dont know how and the pain is unbearable to feel  to at any moment he could say "yes" or "no". I decided to live with the unknown, It makes life interesting. I sat down today for a couple hours and thought about my feelings. I tried to organize them in my head, this is what I came up with.

Love is unconditional. I love him very much, he is a big part of my life and he will always be in my heart. I do my best to support his decisions even when they kill me. Love is unconditional, Love is kind. If I love and respect him in any way then I need to love him unconditionally. I got on the internet and found this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat Pray Love. It spoke to me, It makes sense!! Finally something makes sense, here is the beginning of my story and it is beautiful.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

He is everything stated above.

He drives me crazy to the point I want to drive 600 miles in the middle of the night to be like "what are you thinking". He tells me what I need to stop doing, in order to get to where I want to be. He reminds me to slow down and think about what I am doing. He reminds me that I am young and dumb.. when he reminds me of this I want to smack him. I am young and dumb but I am still not willing to fully accept it, maybe tomorrow but at least I admitted it. Ha! He is the only one that gets where I am at even when we are miles apart. He makes me go crazy, makes me happy, makes me sad. He is my mirrior in life showing me what I cant and refuse to see.

We have some amazing memories, hard times, great times and mulitple inside jokes. When I hear something funny I want to say "Your mom".. Usually my sister takes it very literally and looks at me and says "Thats not nice we have the same mom" ..Haha! Oh how I miss sharing that with him. Its the small things I miss. Cuddeling aka (Kuggeling) on the couch watching the sunset or even a movie. Riding our bikes to starbucks in the morning and having a coffee and a panini. I even miss how anal we were about cleaning... Sometimes I wish that I could get a head injury and forget it all. If I did that its possible that I would have to restart and re learn.. Please god I learned my lessons.. I dont want anymore heart ache. All in all I am greatful for everything we went through the ups and downs shaped who we are today. That is a beautiful gift!

I am forever grateful to him for everything he has done for me. He showed up for me like no one else could, I just hope I did the same for him. Like I said earlier I am young and dumb. I dont think its fair to say I lost the best thing I had because I feel he is still there. Even if he is "out of my life" I carry a big part of him with me everywhere I go. I am responsible for all the hurt and pain I have caused him and I have to live with that. I am responcible for the childish games I played, for them I am paying the price. I learned so much and I am still learning. I will always love him and that is perfect for me.

I apologize for what I have done. No one should hurt another person like that ever. If we want a better world It starts with each and everyone of us. Thank you _______ for showing up for me like you did. I will always love you and I am doing my best to support your decisions. Remember the quote works for both parties. You better believe I will still be that mirror for you as well. I am going to slap you and say "wake up and see whats going on!" I am going to pick you up when you have fallen, wipe your tears and tell you it will be ok. I expect the same from you.

If this is what love is, then I have found love. Love is unconditional, love is my teacher and I am learning.

Life is beautiful!

Enjoy friends! I will post more tomorrow ;)