Working on "working" it out (June 24th blog post)

Today I am going to share the crazy events of my day.

Recently I had expressed my concern about my job to a friend. He told me to stay out of all  the drama, I took his advice. Last night while I was at work, I was approached by a guy that wanted to talk to me. He was asking very blunt questions about what was going on in the work place. I responded to every question by saying, I do not discuss work with anyone other then my boss. After that he said, "you passed".

I look at him with a confused look. He said, Hi I am _____. I am one of the owners, I just came from LA to visit. Wow I thought. After that he said, your Julie right? I said yes. He said I have heard so many wonderful things about you, and our clients rave about you!

Next he said, now we both know that you won't be living in mount Shasta forever. I said yes I know with a smile on my face. He looked at me and said, want to work in LA? You can be on of my event planners! I said I would love to, that would be such a fun job! Who wouldnt want to throw parties, dress up and go to work and meet some movie stars? :)

My bosses have a company out of LA that host and plan some of the big Hollywood parties such as Paris Hilton's big party that's coming up, Dancing with the Stars catering and the some Playboy Bunny Mansion arrangements. If this wasn't the perfect job for me then working at 1 of their 13 night clubs in Hollywood and LA, or any of their hotels would be!

I am so excited that I can have this job as soon as I am ready. It looks like I am going back to LA after all! I knew that moving down here that I would be back there soon. Right now I get to focus on a couple of my goals. Then when I am done here I am off to LA! Yahoo!

My next blog will be up late tonight after work.
Enjoy your day!
xoxo
Jules

Friendship (June 23rd blog post)

In the past week I have had to hold on to my under ware. with a firm grip. 
I have been on a crazy roller coaster! Between getting called into work, working crazy hours sleeping and attempting to unpack my car... My life and blog have gone to crap. So I am re evaluating my goals. Right now I am writing everyday, the only issue is, the past couple of nights and even days I am not home in time to post them, or I fall asleep while typing. Oh yes that happened, I fell asleep at the computer desk eating peanut butter m&ms. I faintly remember getting up and asking my step dad to rub my feet. I woke up on the foot of his bed curled up in a ball. Yes, my life has been a little crazy lately... haha!

Anyways, here is my blog for June 23rd. I hope you enjoy it!!

What is a best friend? Someone you can always talk to and confide in? Someone who will love and support you in whatever you may do? I realize that if this is even a tiny sliver of what best friends are, I have a handful of them.

For example, In the last couple days my best friends have called and checked up on me. Sent me pictures that make my heart melt. Lovingly but sternly guided me through the dark. Told me to snap out of it, as well as told me I'm doing great.

I don't want to imagine a life with out these amazing people. They are by my side no matter what. I know that I am working through a lot right now, I  also know I wouldn't have been able to get where I am as quickly as I am without these amazing people! If you are reading this, YOU ARE ONE OF THEM. I just wanted to say thank you so much for all  you have done for me. Even if it is a simple wall post on Face book, supporting my blog or a cute txt message. It really means a lot to me. I love and appreciate you! Thank you for everything you have done for me! I know I will get to a healthier time in my life very soon. I would like to say Thank you and share my gratitude even more! I love you, thank you!

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complete your life" -Unknown
Thank you so much for all your support. I really appreciate and love you!
Xoxo

Talk to you soon.

Jules

In a Dream like state (June 22nd blog post)

Last night I pulled over at a rest stop about half way.
As I was sitting there I cleared my head while I found a "kinda comfortable" position to sleep in. I layed awake for about an hour thinking then fell into a deep sleep.

Lately I have been having some really vivid dreams. I remember everything that happens  as clear as day. In my dreams I see me smoothly and easily putting my life into place. I see my self in a beautiful home with everything In place, there are dishes in the cub board and a beautiful living room with my roses on the table. I remember as I walked farther into the house I see my bed, my dresser and my clothes. Next I trip over a puppy toy that was in the doorway. As I turn the corner I hear someone say Julie where is the _____ and I wake up.
I have had this dream night after night. I am starting to think it is a sign, or maybe someone or something is telling me it will all work out. You could even say I am dreaming my life into place, maybe I am. Maybe I am seeing what is in place.
The first thing I think about is, Who is asking me where my ____ is? I don't know what the _____ is. I wake up before the question is fully asked. I know it is a guy who is talking to me, I just am unclear on who it is. I do have a pretty good idea tho.
Next I think a puppy? I assume it is my puppy because its toy is in my room doorway. I have been having a hard time deciding if a puppy is for me. I am not a really big animal lover, don't get me wrong I like animals I just haven't really had a lot of them in my space. I was thinking about why I would want a puppy. I decided its because I want something to go home to and love and have it love me back. I want something to cuddle with and take care of. I think, as a women it is important to have something to take care of. I will not be having a baby anytime soon so I think I will get a puppy. :) There, that is a step in the right direction. I think I would be a good mommy.
Anothr thing I think about in my dream is this. Having all of my stuff in order and having a place that is my home. Compared to I'm just moving on though, or I am just here for a few months. Even if I am only there for a few months, all my boxes were unpacked. It was MY home. I think this is a constant reminder that everything is going to work out perfectly.
I feel that dreams do have meaning. You could say that I am literally dreaming that my life would be in order. I think I am seeing the end goal, or the results of my accomplishing my goals. I feel that the next couple of months will amazing for me. I know that my life will fall into place, other things I will have to put in place and that is beautiful.
Time to get back on the road. I am 5 hours away from home if I rush.
There is no reason to rush, I am going to take it slowly and enjoy my drive.
I am going to stop by and meet some amazing friends along my journey home.
Until tomorrow.
Love you all!
Jules

Moving Day (June 21st post)

Today I am packing up my car to move the rest of my stuff to Mt. Shasta California. Do you ever have that feeling that you are doing the right thing, even if it seems like it is the hardest? Thats what I am feeling.


I know that I get to be in Mount Shasta for now, I just cant figure out why. So I am going to name some of the reasons I can think of. I have my goals to meet and on my drive I will add a couple more to my list.
Right off the bat I found an amazing new friend. She is a sweetheart and is graciusly introducing me into her world.
I found a job that I really enjoy and feel that I will acel at. If I work hard and stay focused on being profesional, I know it wil pay off.
I have found a couple of options on how I can arrange to get my bed set and matress. It looks like I will be getting it sooner then later.
Then I came up with this. Most important I am here to heal, I get to heal my heart and my life. I get to be happy.


I know that if I stick to my goals I will find happiness. Even if that means I get to write my blog down and upload it when I get home.. so be it!! Well I am going to go say "see you later" and by on my way.
This is going to be a great drive for me.
Im literally moving forward. :)
xoxo

Wishing on a wishing well (June 20th post)

Today I am going to write about how I am feeling in this moment.
As you might know I drove to Hermosa Beach last night to get the rest of my boxes. As I drove I felt many emotions rise inside of me.
Here are both of them, First off I was so very excited to see him! I was over joyed to be able to reach out and give him a huge hug. I have missed him so much. After all the feelings of happiness left I let the fear rush in. I was afraid that what we had would be gone, I was afraid that when I saw him I wouldn't feel any love. Over all I was afraid that what we had was gone.
As I hit the last 100 miles I started to cry uncontrollably. I know in my heart I love him, I love him more then anything. I knew that love was there in my heart, I was just nervous to see if we still had it. After all the things we have been through, my love for him never changed, only grown stronger.
When I was two blocks away I txt him and said come outside, then I pulled up and parked in the garage. The moment I saw him I had a tornado of happy butterflies in my stomach. The love that we had is still here. All I could do was give him a giant hug. He then reminded me to turn off my car and come inside. As I walked through the doorway and into kitchen I had a rush of happy memories. I sat down on the couch next to him and put my head on his shoulder. All I could feel was happiness, our love is still here, it never left or subsided. Our connection is still here.
The past 20 hours have been perfect. We went out and enjoyed each others company, we caught up on life and did some errands. For lunch we had some amazing sushi and afterwards enjoyed a movie. Once the movie ended we walked outside and sat in front of a fountain. I dug through my purse to find some spare change. I gave him a couple coins and I kept a couple. We both tossed the coins in, in exchange for a wish.
I was told that if you tell anyone your wish it will not come true. I really want this wish to come true so I wont tell you what it is. I am sure you have an idea of what it is, it is the perfect wish. This "wish" is so important to me that I think I am going to get a hundred dollars of change and keep placing them on my wish. If only it was that easy I would have filled up that fountain a long time ago! :)
In order for my "wish to come true" I have to do my part. I get to be loving, supportive and help heal both hearts. I get to listen to my heart and base my decisions on what makes me happy. All of those things are what I am doing. Right now I am happy and at peace with my world. I know that our love is here and has always been here, even if it is spread across 615 miles. :)
The beautiful part is that what I am feeling is spot on. That is a great feeling!! Listen to your heart, it will always keep you on your path.
Until tomorrow!! Have an amazing night!
Jules

A tiny turtle with a big message (June 19th blog)

Pay attention to the symbols. Symbols are things that stick out of the ordinary or an item you see over and over again.

A couple days after I moved to Mount Shasta I asked my mother to take me on a walk through the forest. While we were walking we stopped to over look the lake. As my mother was talking about all the changes and emotions I was going through, I spotted a really big turtle swimming in the lake. I told my mom to look at this turtle. She said, "ah it must be a sign." My mother continued to talk while I was watching that turtle. She told me that she would look up its meaning for me.

Lately I have seen turtles everywhere I go. For instance, today I saw a sculpture of a turtle at work and a turtle on a little kids shirt. While leaving work to drive to LA I see a couple txt messages from my mom. I opened them, I will share part of what she wrote.

"Hey do you remember when we saw the turtle in the water on our walk down by the lake???  I am at Mary Martha's house right now and I found a book that speaks of the symbolism here it is for you.

A turtle represents the connecting point between heaven and earth and bringing them together. It is an invitation to bring blessings in from heaven and earth.  In Nigeria the turtle is the symbol for the female sex organs and sexuality.  In the native American people it is associated with the power of the divine feminine. The turtle is the symbol of the primal mother and is also associated with longevity. The turtle "medicine" is about teaching you new perceptions and your relationships with it. This animal has amazing survival skills and are incredible strategists. They hear very well, they sense vibrations in the water through their skin and shell. Turtles are able to distinguish colors and smells. They stimulate your hearing and vision...

If a turtle shows up ask yourself....are you hearing all you should? Are you seeing all you should? A turtle has a strong neck and for those whom a turtle shows up it is a reminder to use your head and knowledge to protect yourself when your world gets topsy turvy....Turtles show up to help us during difficult times. They show up to remind us of the many opportunities that can be missed if we are not paying attention. The native Americans believe it is the symbol of mother earth reminding us that all our needs will always be met....also are we taking time for ourselves? Are we too busy to see all the opportunities going on around us? The turtle also reminds us of water connection...which is our creative powers....to think things through before we step into hands of creation. Go within your shell connect with your primal essence and come out of your shell when your ideas are ready to be created. Just as a turtle cannot separate itself from it shell neither can you separate yourself from what we have each come on this earth.

Thank you Mother for the clarification of this. I see a lot of these things going on in my life. I will go in depth tomorrow morning. 

For now goodnight and pay attention to your symbols.

Jules

A best friend, a partner and a beautiful life. Everything happens for a reason. (June 18th blog)

Today at work I had an interesting experience. First off I got called in and thought it would ruin my blog. Tonight It actually made my blog.

One of our guests checked in with her best friend (who is also her ex husband.) She came up to the desk and started to ask me questions. The first question she asked me was. "When did you move?" I looked at her and said "what" she then asked me"how long were you with him"? By this point I had to check my shirt and forehead to see if I had something written on me stating... "Just moved... Broke up with my fiance of two (ish) years".

Dam! This lady was unreal, like freaky unreal!

After having my moment, I responded to her. I moved about 2.5 weeks ago and I was with him for two years and a couple months. She then proceeded to ask me, "Why are you here in Mt Shasta?" I responded by saying, I am supposed to be here and that's all I know. For this she applauded me. She reminded me that everything happens for a reason and to listen to my intuition. At this point I was floored! I wanted to say this was really weird but it wasn't, it was exactly what I was looking for. When I am uncertain about something in my life, I simply for a confirmation or answer. She confirmed my answer.

Lately I have been feeling uneasy. I was wondering if I made the right choice even though I know I did. I was having my moment of self doubt. Now I am 1000%  sure this is where I get to be for right now, it is  nice to have a little reminder every so often. :) I know that I get to be here for a couple months, I am positive of it. I know I am here to learn and grow. I don't feel I would learn as much if I didn't push myself to listen to my heart.

After that we continued to talk for about 30 minutes. She told me how her and her best friend broke up, she also told me how they never fell out of love. I told her in my case I was certain that I loved him and that I always will. I don't feel like I will ever fall out of love with him, there is so much love there. As we talked she told me her view on relationships. She said the beautiful thing about a relationship is that it doesn't have to look a certain way. You can have it however you want it to be. I agree with her 1000%. She said that her and her best friend talk all the time. They work out times to see each other and go on vacations together. They do the occasional lunch and fine dinners too. Their relationship is very "not typical", I really like that idea. Right now they are committing to not commit. By this I mean they are choosing to be together at a distance and not rushing into anything. 

In my relationship, I want someone who is there all the time just at a bit of a distance at first. As time goes on we would move closer together in the relationship. After a while we would evaluate and decide where to go from there. I am not looking to move into a quick relationship with kids and a dog anytime soon. Someday I want to be a mom and be married to the most perfect husband and partner. I would like us to work from home so we can raise our children together, that is my ideal lifestyle. For the time being, I am in the perfect place. I told her that right now our space and time alone is perfect. If we decided to see each other then we will when it is right. That is perfect for now!

Right now I am focusing on finding and loving me. Another thing I learned from her is that relationships need a healthy and constant give and take. I know that I personally get to work on this. I get to work on accepting when I am given something and giving freely without expectations. In a relationship each person has to put in 100%. When this is not being done there is an unhealthy give and take.

I am excited to have this opportunity to find my healthy balance and also establish my guidelines. The next couple months of my life are going to be perfect. I have so many things to learn!!

I know by taking this time and learning what I get to learn, my life will be very different for the rest of my life. I am working on myself as well as how I treat others and allow others to treat me. I am setting my guidelines of what I accept in a relationship and what I do not accept. I am quickly figuring out what I want in a relationship and what I don't want. All of this is healthy and necessary. Every day I learn a lot of new things. I am thankful that I am learning and I will use this knowledge for the best possible outcome.

Until tomorrow!

Much love!! Goodnight!!

Julie

A connection found (June 17th post)

I dedicate this blog to you, from my soul to yours.

Last night I was writing about connecting soul to soul. My whole life I have asked my friends and family, what is one thing everyone wants? I got answers of material things and money. I am sure that everyone would love to have nice things but money wasn't the answer I was looking for.  Never in that time did I hear "love" or "connection". As I sit and think to myself I wonder, do we want love and connection? Are there people out there who don't look for that? I am sure there are many people out there who are hurting and don't know how to let love back in. I know there are people out there who are filled with it.

In my life I am looking for the soul connection and the deepest love possible. I am talking about the love that makes your heart ache, even to say goodbye for a couple hours. I want the love that gives me butterflies every time I see that person. We all deserve that kind of love. I know in my heart I have found that love. I am trying to understand why this love is still here in my heart, when I am told its "not meant to be". I believe it is meant to be, maybe not how I think it should look or when it should happen. I know it is meant to be in its own unique way.

Everyday I wake up, the first thing I do is roll over to see if he is there. He is not. Every night when I go to bed he is the last thing on my mind and he is in my dreams every night. It is hard for me to go to sleep, once I am asleep I don't want to wake up. Right now my life is hard for me to understand, so I decided I am going to do my best to let it be. I am going to keep moving forward everyday, whatever happens.. happens. I am accepting the fact that I can only control so much, what I can not control I leave to the universe. This makes my life a lot easier. Yes, I have my moments of panic and sadness still, the only difference is I accept them and then let it go. If the love we have is "meant to be" It will work its self out. If it is not meant to be then I will work myself out. That is the beauty of life.

 I know inside my heart that I can connect with him in a very deep way. I also know that there was a block there. I believe if I was open with him, instead of closed our lives would have been very different. I know that if I could have expressed my deepest most feelings with him that life would have been a lot easier. I could never understand why he did what he did, now I do. This is a part of why I am on this journey.

I wanted to be open and honest. I wanted to be able to connect with everyone around me on a much deeper level. I was thinking what would be the best way to put myself out "there". I wrote this blog, now I am here. As you can see... my feelings, emotions and story is out in the open for you to observe. I thought to myself, why would I want to reveal everything that's "wrong" in my life. Then I quickly discovered.. Everything in my life is in perfect order, that means nothing is "wrong" with it. I no longer want to sugar coat my life. This is my life and it is beautiful! Everything here is the truth, everything here is sacred to me. I am open and honest.

I am not looking for that deep connection... I have found that deep connection. I have found a way to connect soul to soul. How did I do it you ask? By being myself with no judgments and by being honest in all aspects of my life. I am on a journey to find a way to connect with myself. So far I am doing amazing! I know myself and I am comfortable in my own skin, finally! I can feel the peace; I can see the beauty in my eyes and feel the breath of life in my soul. For the first time ever I am comfortable being me. I am no longer afraid of what anyone thinks because it doesn't matter. I am confident in everything I do because I listen to my heart. If it doesn't feel right or I wonder about it, I don't do it. I am choosing it to be very simple.

To find that connection with another being, you have to first find it with yourself. This leads me to this quote. “When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another - and ourselves”- Jack Kornfield

 I ask you to do something for yourself tonight or tomorrow. Do something that will connect you to your soul. Here are a few ideas; service, singing and dancing, buy yourself some flowers, go to church, a walk on the beach with a glass of wine or even a bubble bath. Once you do that and feel that peace within your soul, invite your loved one or a loved one(s) and share the experience. Recognize the peace and love you will find. Hold on to that feeling, who says you have to let it go? Loose yourself in that feeling, it is amazing.

I love you very much! Have an amazing night! I am off to treat myself to a long hot shower! I got to connect with my sister, a dear friend and a new friend today at the lake. I get to go wash my sand out of my hair so I can go dancing :))

What a beautiful life!!

Until tomorrow!!

I love you!

Julie <3

Connections and Communication (June 16th post)

“Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.”-Unknown

Today I wanted to talk about communication. I am not referring to facebook, text messages or emails.

In the past couple of weeks I have been having a hard time communicating with everyone in general. I let my emotions control me and my results were unpleasant to say the least. Now I am dealing with the issues and sadness I caused. Over that I have ruined friendships as well as hurt the ones I love the most. I have noticed that when I want to talk to anyone they prefer to txt. For me I enjoy txting when its all fun and games, lately that hasn’t been the case. While txting information that is important it can either be, taken to seriously or not serious enough. Txt message is hard to understand most of the time because we cannot connect to who we are talking to. By this I mean we can not hear their voice, laugh or listen properly. I have been thinking about this all night. How can we communicate if we didn’t have words?  Is love our key to communication? If so I am going to give it a try.

The power of mastering the skill of communication is incredible. Once we have mastered this we can connect in an easier way. It brought me to this quote. “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”- Stephen King. This made me think, do words diminish what we are saying? If they do what is the best way to connect one on one. I came up with a few ideas. When I want to communicate with people I love I use laughter, hugs and tears. Is that a way to communicate through our emotions, through our soul? Yes it is! I also think my soul is the deepest way to connect to someone. I am challenging myself to carry out a full conversation with the ones I love who are close in area. For those who are farther I will be calling them for now. I think the only way to communicate in a deep way is through the soul.

I challenge you to pick one person either this week or tonight to communicate with. You don’t have to pick or think of something to “talk about” that’s not the point. I ask that you find a way to connect with them deeply, eye to eye heart to heart or even heart to heart over the phone. I am going to also be doing this. I get to heal my relationship’s and I know this will be the best way for me to do it. I would love to hear your results! I will be sharing mine in my next blog. Tomorrow morning I will go into the depths of communicating with my soul. If you have specific questions for me please message me on Facebook, I will post the answers here. Enjoy friends! This is an open door, once you pass through the threshold blessings await you.

Until tomorrow!

Love you all!

Jules

JUST DO IT!!!!! (June 15th post)

Today I was thinking about what I should write about, then I remembered a story from last week.

Earlier this week I had walked into furniture before meeting a friend for a beer. I spoke with the owner Ron, I told him that I had just moved here and I was restarting. I told him I would like a couple quotes on a couch, mattress, a bed frame etc. As soon as I told him that, a family friend (Kim) walked in the door. Once she saw me she ran over and gave me a huge hug. She said "Finally you are back". I said "back?" with a puzzled look. I told her I had recently broken up with my fiancé and I was "restarting" my life. Kim looked at me with a puzzled look and said "You cannot restart what you have already begun". She said if you want to improve your life you have to keep moving forward. After this she went into more detail as to what she meant. I listened and agreed with Kim. I can’t restart but I can move forward.  That is what I am doing, moving forward.  I talked to Ron and told him I would come back when I was positive on what I wanted. I told him that I did not want to jump into something that I didn’t love. He gave me a book to look through and told me to come back in a couple days.

Today, after I left work I drove a couple blocks and stopped off at Ron’s furniture store. I walked inside with a huge smile on my face.  He greeted me with a smile and said do you know what you want? I said yes! I gave him the item number and he ran me a quote. The quote was $1800.00 for just the bed frame. I didn’t let that get me down. I then told him to run me a quote for a certain mattress. That was also $1800.00. I looked at Ron and said is there any way you will work with me on this? I know I get to have that bed and mattress within 90 days. Why 90 days? Because that is one of my other current goals I am going to win.  Ron looked at me and said, I can and will work with you. Ron told me that I can make payments on the set and that once I have 50% down he would order it for me. I said ok sounds great is there anything else you can do for me; I am going to be buying a couch and deep freeze from you with in the next 120 days. He looked at me ran the numbers and told me he could give me 45% off the retail price. He said that he would also deliver, set it up for free and loan me a metal bed frame until I could get my bed. It was a DEAL!

How did I do it you ask? Let me share.

About a week and a half ago I was talking to my good friend Brandon. After we had broken up I felt very lost and didn’t know where to turn. He advised me to follow my path. I told him that I had no idea what my path was. He told me to make a map to plan out the next couple months in my life ON PAPER. This sounded so dumb to me at the time; right now it is my saving grace. He talked about the goals that we can set for ourselves to give us that drive in the right direction. I listened even closer, I felt like a car with no steering wheel and I was driving straight down the highway to hell. He told me to sit down and write out my goals long term and short goals. Brandon then reminded me that it didn’t matter if I hit those goals, it mattered that I tried with everything I had. Later that night I sat down and thought up a couple goals. I penciled them in crossed some out and highlighted the others. Over the next few days I meditated about what I wanted to achieve. Here are a couple of them.

1.) Go to a job interview by June 8th. I was at my interview on June 8th at 10:00 am.

2.) Get a job by June 22nd. I was hired June 13th. I beat my goal by a week and a half!

3.) Actively look and do research to start school in the fall semester and finish my funding. I am currently looking at colleges offering online classes. I finished my funding 2 weeks ago.

4.) Buy a bed by September 7th. I will have my mattress, bed frame and CANOPY POSTS paid for by then.

5.) Look for a studio apartment or a Mother in law apartment by August 1st. Today my step dad and I looked at this beautiful home. It has a separate mother- in - law apartment. It includes a "dance studio" which is really a huge living space that connects to a back deck and overlooks a beautiful river. A master bed/bathroom, a full kitchen and dining area . It also includes a brand new hot tub! For this I made another goal for tomorrow. Talk to the owners and get all the information on it and schedule a walk through for this week.

6.) Buy a puppy. The only reason I have not put a date on this is because I want to be moved in, unpacked and ready for the responsibility. I do have my name down on a list for the next girl Teacup Yorkie Terrior to be born. I am so excited to meet her <3

There are 6 of my personal goals. At this point I am far ahead of my dates. I have pushed so hard and fought twice as much to make this happen... it is HAPPENING! I AM EXTATIC! I first off get to thank myself. If I didn’t take this leap of faith and work towards it every day I would not be where I am now. I get to thank Brandon for pushing me and holding that mirror up and telling me, look at what you can do. You are powerful and you can create anything you want!

The first step is to set your goals! I realize this is a snowball effect. My goals keep getting bigger and bigger and I reach a little bit higher every time. If I trip and fall and don’t hit my goal by my exact date, I am going to wrap my arms around myself and say "good job you are learning!!" I might not reach my dates every time, so what I am going to do is re-evaluate them and set a new date. In my eyes I didn’t fail, it’s not about having the material things. It is about learning and striving to make a change. I am learning and I am changing. This is the most precious gift I can give to myself.

In life we hear "follow your path". I always wondered "What is my path?" "Where am I going?" "Do I want to follow this?" Now realize I don’t want to follow "the path"; there is NO "PATH" in front of me. It is up to me to make my own path.  I left the same old path I was following a couple weeks ago, it was not my path. Now I am riding off into the sunset of the unknown. It is exhilarating, I am free falling and I love it! This quote connects to what I am feeling.

 “To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”.

That quote is very true. I dare you to jump into the unknown. It might be scary at first, it might not be and it is your choice. What I do know is, it is your choice to let your emotions control you, or you control your emotions. Jump! Get scared, angry or upset it makes you fight for what you want! Be happy, live, laugh and LOVE! It teaches you to appreciate every day you are on this beautiful journey. My journey is whatever I make and choose it to be. I see my goals right in front of me... I AM RUNNING TO THEM! We are all destined for greatness; the only one who holds you back is you. Let yourself go... be crazy and enjoy the ride, you are in for a great one!

Until tomorrow! Enjoy your night! I love you!

Day 4 of 30 Wahoo!

Love Jules

Finding a light in the dark (June 14th post)

I dedicate this post to me.
Dear Julie, you will find your way. The darkness will soon be followed by a beautiful sunrise.


Today I wanted to talk about what I am searching for.  Here is a quote that talks about my journey so far.


"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself."  ~Alan Alda


This quote hits two of the things I would like to share.  It also will tie up this whole post.


As you know I recently moved from Hermosa Beach California to Mount Shasta California. I left the city, lights and the beautiful ocean to come to a sleepy mountain town. While leaving Hermosa Beach I felt a sadness in my heart, I also knew I was doing the right thing. As I drove through the night I had a billion questions going through my head. I talked to many of my dear friends. Lauren Chidester was one of them. The first time I met Lauren I was in love, ever since then we have been friends. She listened as I cried, told me she loved me and reminded me that she supported me. I am so grateful to have her in my life, I know she is always there even if we talk very little. I also talked to my mother on my journey along with my father and some very close friends. I was getting more love and support then I can explain. Thank you very much for that.

After talking to Lauren I decided to pull over and sleep. I felt impressed to "check in" to the side of the road on my facebook. After that I got my pillow and blanket, put my head against the window and slept. About an hour later I woke up to my phone buzzing. It was my dear friend Carolyn Wiggin. She said that she saw my post on Facebook, she used my location and figured out that I was only 2 hours and 15 minutes away.   I woke up and drove all the way there. She was an angel sent by god. She knew that I was on the side of the road sleeping and I was having a very difficult time. She told me to come to her house and sleep on her couch for a couple hours. She txt me while I was driving and said let me know when you get close. She and her amazing husband Patrick stayed up all night until a couple hours after I arrived. I was in a somber and zoned out state. They stayed up and talked to me, asking how I was feeling and reminded me that my life was in perfect order. I trusted them, I was still upset about how everything happened. After Patrick went to bed Carolyn loving stayed in the living room until I fell asleep. I told her I would be leaving in a few hours so I could make it home. The next morning we talked, I ended up staying half of the next day. :) I am so thankful that they welcomed me into their home and stayed up the whole night for me knowing they would be lucky if they got 2 hours of sleep before work. Thank you Patrick and Carolyn. I love you very much!  You answered my call and extended your loving support. As I gave Carolyn a hug before I left I was reminded of how much love you can have for someone, even if they are just your friend. As I drove away my phone died. I had no connection to the social world. I wanted to badly talk to him and see how he was doing. Instead of talking to him I sat in the silence drove through the pouring rain and cried. I knew deep down inside of me that this was the right thing to do. Every mile I drove the pain would slowly chip away. I now know how much I was being supported and loved. I appreciate all of you who have been a listening ear.. or just there on the phone as I cried. 

I came here to find out who Julie really is. I was having a hard time because I felt that I would have to "make a new Julie" like I had done before. I would make her up to how ever I saw fit. Why? Because I wasn't comfortable being myself. I always thought I wasn't good enough. As I walked into my families home I found this quote on the wall. "In a world where you can be anything, be yourself". - Jillian Teubert I have been searching for this "Julie". I have been asking myself what do I like..who am I and where did I go?

Now I realize this... Julie was always there. She never left, yes she did step back and give away a lot of herself. I also covered up my true self because I felt it was better to be someone else. I had a lot of missing gaps from me waiting away over time. Now I look at it as time to connect the dots. I came to a place I never thought I would like. I came to a place far away from all my troubles. This place is where I have connected my dots. I enjoy the peace and quiet here. I find myself in wild flowers and in the smell of the hot pine at noon. I see my reflection in the crystal clear lakes and I hear my name in the cool mountain breeze. I now realize that I did not come here to run away from my "problems". I came here because here I can focus on fixing them.

Julie is back! I know that I am capable of all the happiness in the world. I know I am beautiful and that I am here for many reasons. Every day 1-100 reasons and answers come fourth. I smile laugh and say "ok, I can do that.. whats next" and the next answer unfolds. I am pushing and kicking down my walls for the prize of forward movement. There is no doubt that I am here for many reasons. I know I can bring great things here and inspire many people.

For example her is what I did today..

I went out and used my connections to get a job for a dear friend. Maybe I am that strong force in her life to help her see her path clearer. I also talked to my mom and opened up to her about my life. She told me I inspired her to start her own blog and share her unique gift with the world. I realize I am here to learn, but I am also here to teach. I am here to guide and be that strong force for my family and friends. When they are stuck in the mud  I have a couple shovels to teach them how to dig themselves out. They have been my angels through life, its time for me to give back. In my time here I participate in countless hours of service and mentoring. I am teaching my sister about the difficult and beautiful things in life. I take her out with me while I do my service, she asks many questions, some of them I don't have the answer to. The ones I don't have the answer to she will find out for her self. I am showing my brothers and teaching them respect. They have improved 1000%! There are many things here that get to change and it looks like that's a big part of why I am here. There are also many things that I get to learn from. They are learning, I am learning,our energy is being equally exchanged, life is beautiful. I no longer get to be scared or worried. I am strong I am beautiful and I can do whatever I desire.

I left the city and came to the mountains and I found myself. The journey is new there is no path, I am making my own. It feels like I am running up a hill backwards and blind folded.. I am learning to trust and let it be. I decide what my life gets to be and I am very excited about that! Life and forward movement go hand in hand, you get to make the decision to flow with it or stop it. That is the beauty of life.

Thank you everyone for your loving support! I am enjoying the challenge of sharing for 30 days. Once I hit my 30 days my next growing experience awaits and welcomes me with open arms. Until then I am working on a couple goal such as saving money for my birthday vacation and buying a new bedroom set as well as getting everything for my apartment.

 Life is beautiful, Life is a blank white canvas. It is up to us to paint our picture perfect life.

I look forward to sharing with you tomorrow!

I love you!

Thank you for being a part of my life and supporting me on my journey of healing.

Namaste

Julie

Weighing my options (June 13th post)

This blog I dedicate to you, the reader. I hope that you can find something in this chapter of my life that will shine a light on an answer you have been asking for. I am going to share my second step in my recovery process. Lets jump in with both feet, here we go :)

I will open with the most perfect quote for this chapter of my life. "Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One." Elizabeth Gilbert

If that quote doesn't sum it up my story will. :)

You and I have heard time after time.. "You cannot love someone until you love yourself." When I hear this I want to roll my eyes in the back of my head and then respond with..  "I do love myself" or "Ha! Ive heard that before". The truth is I have heard this many times before but this time it actually stuck to me. I felt like I had been shot in the butt with cupids arrow of self love. I started thinking and being cautious of what I do during my day. I wanted to see how much I put myself down and build myself up. Here are a few things I am working on improving to achieve a higher self love.

These results blew me away.

Things I did to put my self down and what I did to change that.

Every time I walked past a mirror I would say something like "Oh my god, I NEED to put on MORE makeup" or "What was I thinking when I got ready today".

To fix this I decided to either..

A) let my little sister pick out my clothes for the day.. which drove me crazy because we are polar opposites. For example, She wears polka dots, rainbow stripes and two different socks. Very Lindsay but NOT my style. :)

OR

B) wear the first two things I picked out of my suitcase or boxes.. (I still havnt fully unpacked yet) Lately I have been wearing some crazy clothing choices to say the least. :) Very quickly I found it made me very uncomfortable and realized that I have a great sense of style and I found 100% more appreciation for dressing myself. 

That was easy, lets move on to the harder ones now.

Next I realized that I wonder what everyone thinks of me... constantly. I would wonder if they thought I was pretty, if I had good teeth, if my eyes are "weird" because they are 2 different colors and I even wondered what kind of a person they "pegged "me to be. All of this fear of what I thought other people were thinking was killing me. I had no self conifence to do anything or wear anything. I thought "what could be the worst thing that could happen" if I dressed up. Well this is what I did to find out.

I got all dressed up in some nice clothes, I did my hair and make up and went out.

Since this has happened 3 guys have asked me for my number, I have made a couple new friends and most important I found out a lot of people like to talk to me and even hang out with me! This blew my mind... Yes it is a very small town and I stood out, but either way I made an effort to put myself out there and my results were amazing. What it all boils down to is this, It didn't matter about how many heads turned or how many numbers I got. It mattered that I pushed myself to grab what I wanted  right by the horns and ride that bull. I found self confidence and It feels great. I still have my moments of self criticism and doubt but I realize it sooner and nip it in the but. Its good news that I can realize it now and its cool news that its not as often that I have negative self talk. The best thing I realized is... it is all about me choosing to be confident.

Self.. Confidence.. I finally get it!! haha

Now here comes the biggest monster, if you will. The one I have finally admitted and I am working on it every day and every hour. This is something that is almost acceptable in our society, no longer acceptable in MY LIFE.

I cant say I suffer from it because all in all I choose to let it in my life. I let it effect me and that was something I just realized. It has taken me years of hoping it would go away. It never left, I figured out that it wasn't going to leave. I had to choose something different. I wasn't being proactive for the right things, I was being proactive for all the wrong things. In this lesson I learned self love.

I have an eating disorder. One day soon I will be glad to say I no longer have an eating disorder.

When I think about food I would often feel as if I had to vomit. I would have to mentally prepare myself for the simple task of going to dinner. I would also not eat and then eat everything in sight and do my best to keep it down. After I would finally eat I would get mad at myself and say how much exercising

do I have to do. Or worse I would not eat or eat very little the next day. With in the past 3 weeks I have lost 15 pounds. That is a lot when you are 5 foot 7 and 118 pounds, I am now 103 pounds.

I thought that if I was skinny everything would get better, I was wrong it got worse. I started feeling sick and looking it too. I didnt have any energy and my lust for life was shedding with the pounds. I knew I had to make a change somewhere. So this is what I have been doing....EATING. I am still easing into it believe me. I still have a hard time eating and I figured out why.

My life felt like it was falling apart and the stress of it all was cracking down. I found a way to control my emotions. If I feel like I cant eat this is what I do. I step back and breath, I meditate, I tell myself that I am beautiful and then I figure out what is bugging me. Once I have figured out what is upsetting me I simply let it go. I take a deep breath in and let it go. If I have to cry scream or laugh I do until I am done. I have found out that once I do this I can eat.  I am taking my life in my own hands. I have been torturing and starving my self for years and it is time to stop. My first step in recovering was admitting it. My second step is to jump in with both feet. I am waist deep in this and soon it will all be over. In the next couple weeks I will be back to eating at least 3 times a day and having some healthy exercising. I have made a plan for the next couple months and I am two weeks ahead!!  I am so excited to have my life back!

What I have learned to have is SELF-love, SELF-confidence and SELF- worth.

We are all beautiful and deserve the best. YOU are beautiful YOU deserve the best! I am beautiful I deserve the best!

I have a challenge for you. Do something to take the first step in your journey, the one that you are looking for the "answer". You have all the answers... so do it!Isnt that amazing to find out? You have always had the answers, you and I just let self doubt cloud the vision.  Choose to see clearly. You can have the rainbow with out the rain, if you choose.You already know what I am talking about. JUST DO IT! Jump in with both feet. You will be surprised with what YOU can do.

Tonight I am taking my next step too :) Let us end day two with this perfect and very true quote.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”- Lao Tzu

I LOVE YOU! Have an amazing night, I will see you tomorrow. :)

Working on unconditional love for a change (June 12th post)

I dedicate my first post to the person who was there at the starting line cheering me on all the way through the end and far beyond the end. You were there when I needed you the most. You gave it your all and I respect you for that. He has taught me so many life lessons, I will do my best to share.  Here's to you babe. Thank you!
Cheers!


Recently one of my best friends, Margot Crandall told me of a book I should read. At the moment I did not feel stong enough to drive to the nearest town 60 miles away and purchase it, so I found the next best thing, the movie on netflicks. Eat Pray Love. This movie has expressed what I can not express for my self. It had the words I have been searching for and showed me a new way of going about my feelings.

Since my break up I have been restless, weary and naucious. I didnt know what to do with myself and I felt I had no one to turn to. I have to thank my mother and close friends, you are my saving grace. I feel as If I dont have the words to describe what I am going through. For the lack of words I have double the emotions. I kept telling myself be strong, dont cry, dont let these feelings control you.

After some long talks with my mother and step father I realized I was holding it all in saying I was going to be fine while I stare at my phone waiting for a change of heart. They advised me on what they thought was a simple step. They told me "cry, scream , break down! Its ok let it go, dont hold it in". For me this was not easy. I have always been one to hold on to my feelings. Since that night I have been going through my steps everyday. I cry and lay on the floor and break down. I think, meditate and even pray.  I was convinced if I didnt drink water I would stop crying. That wasnt the case.. I cryed for hours over my sadness and then I cryed even more out of fear.

Once all of my feelings passed I felt so much better. I still have waves of emotions but they are no longer tidal waves. So my advice to you, let it go. If being strong means you face the music, then do it! If you have to cry then open the flood  gates and cry!! Strong people do what is hard, crying is hard for me. I decided it is better to let go then to hold it in. When I hold in emotions it blocks any emotions coming in or going out. Happiness isnt as sweet as it could be.. and sadness seems forever long.

Every day It gets better and with time I am postive that I will look back at this and say "Wow, I made it!!" One thing I have been having a really hard time with is how I want him in my life. People say leave and dont turn back, others say keep him close. Honestly it is my life, I respect what you are telling me but I have to do what works for me. So I am going to. Of course I want him in my life. I decided I just dont know how and the pain is unbearable to feel  to at any moment he could say "yes" or "no". I decided to live with the unknown, It makes life interesting. I sat down today for a couple hours and thought about my feelings. I tried to organize them in my head, this is what I came up with.

Love is unconditional. I love him very much, he is a big part of my life and he will always be in my heart. I do my best to support his decisions even when they kill me. Love is unconditional, Love is kind. If I love and respect him in any way then I need to love him unconditionally. I got on the internet and found this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat Pray Love. It spoke to me, It makes sense!! Finally something makes sense, here is the beginning of my story and it is beautiful.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

He is everything stated above.

He drives me crazy to the point I want to drive 600 miles in the middle of the night to be like "what are you thinking". He tells me what I need to stop doing, in order to get to where I want to be. He reminds me to slow down and think about what I am doing. He reminds me that I am young and dumb.. when he reminds me of this I want to smack him. I am young and dumb but I am still not willing to fully accept it, maybe tomorrow but at least I admitted it. Ha! He is the only one that gets where I am at even when we are miles apart. He makes me go crazy, makes me happy, makes me sad. He is my mirrior in life showing me what I cant and refuse to see.

We have some amazing memories, hard times, great times and mulitple inside jokes. When I hear something funny I want to say "Your mom".. Usually my sister takes it very literally and looks at me and says "Thats not nice we have the same mom" ..Haha! Oh how I miss sharing that with him. Its the small things I miss. Cuddeling aka (Kuggeling) on the couch watching the sunset or even a movie. Riding our bikes to starbucks in the morning and having a coffee and a panini. I even miss how anal we were about cleaning... Sometimes I wish that I could get a head injury and forget it all. If I did that its possible that I would have to restart and re learn.. Please god I learned my lessons.. I dont want anymore heart ache. All in all I am greatful for everything we went through the ups and downs shaped who we are today. That is a beautiful gift!

I am forever grateful to him for everything he has done for me. He showed up for me like no one else could, I just hope I did the same for him. Like I said earlier I am young and dumb. I dont think its fair to say I lost the best thing I had because I feel he is still there. Even if he is "out of my life" I carry a big part of him with me everywhere I go. I am responsible for all the hurt and pain I have caused him and I have to live with that. I am responcible for the childish games I played, for them I am paying the price. I learned so much and I am still learning. I will always love him and that is perfect for me.

I apologize for what I have done. No one should hurt another person like that ever. If we want a better world It starts with each and everyone of us. Thank you _______ for showing up for me like you did. I will always love you and I am doing my best to support your decisions. Remember the quote works for both parties. You better believe I will still be that mirror for you as well. I am going to slap you and say "wake up and see whats going on!" I am going to pick you up when you have fallen, wipe your tears and tell you it will be ok. I expect the same from you.

If this is what love is, then I have found love. Love is unconditional, love is my teacher and I am learning.

Life is beautiful!

Enjoy friends! I will post more tomorrow ;)